Looking Back....The Last Year

My grandmother always said, “Don’t worry until the knife is at your throat.” When you type that out, it’s kind of disturbing for a grandmother to say — but that was Rosie. She also said, “There are three sides to every story: my version, your version, and what actually happened.” I think that’s true. This my version of the back story.

A Good Beginning

I've said many times, 2023 was the best year I've had. I was living my best life. Casually dating, lifting weights, traveling, playing in a trivia league, I finally got the tattoos I’d always wanted and the most important piece, for the first time ever, I was living anxiety-free. My calendar was packed, my friends were solid. The only thing missing was a partner who doubled as an adventure buddy.

Then one cold spring day, I swiped right on someone who would change everything. She lived in Chicago. I was in Indy. We decided to meet on St. Patrick’s Day and flipped a coin to decide who would travel. Tails… Celine was on her way to Indy.

She pulled up to my house and "oh no what was she doing? She was driving past my door to my backyard, where she parked right outside my garage. I had no choice but to slowly open the garage door and reveal myself like I was in the showcase showdown on The Price Is Right.

Our first date was fine. Not fireworks, but I was on a high of my own. The year before, I had conquered my fear of flying. I was living life to the fullest. I asked her out again and said, “We could go to Olive Garden… or I could fly you to Florida for dinner on the beach.” She replied, “I like how you think.” Two weeks later, we met at the Sarasota airport.

I didn’t have any expectations, but we had an amazing weekend. It was effortless. From then on, we spent every weekend together. I kept my own life during the week, and our weekends were ours. Easy. Fun. Something real had begun.

Things Changed

A few months in, I felt a shift. She seemed distant, and I asked her about it. She said she wasn’t sure she wanted a relationship. I was looking for a partner and we were having such an amazing time, so this came out of left field. But a few days later, she took down her dating profile and suggested we be exclusive. I wasn’t expecting that either. Honestly, that set the tone for the rest of our relationship. The better the weekend, the more distance I could expect to follow. It was a pattern I didn’t understand. By fall, I was worn out. I knew I couldn’t stay in something that made me feel this uncertain. The problem was we had an effortless connection and I loved her with all of my heart.

Enter Lana

That’s when I called Lana. I first met Lana in 2003 when I scheduled a therapy appointment for anxiety. Way back then she told me I was anxious because I wasn't living the life I was capable of. She became my mentor and my favorite hour of the week. Lana is so smart, a high-powered Manhattan woman who ran a development company with her husband and became a therapist on the side. When I walked into her office for the first time, she was wearing trendy eye glasses and swore. One day I missed an appointment and heard her banging on my door "you have an appointment". She wasn't your typical therapist. We’ve stayed in touch for over twenty years.

We talked for an hour that fall afternoon. I told her I didn’t think the relationship was right for me. She listened, then said, “You need to hop on a plane, get on a train, get in your car, I don’t care how but you need to get the f*&k away from this person. You don’t need that kind of back-and-forth in your life, it's only going to bring you down." Then she added, “You’re not living up to your potential. I want you to go apply to be the CEO of a company. Do it as an exercise. I’ll talk to you later and get your head out of your ass.” Call ended.

The Coincidence

Lana has never steered me wrong. I did what she suggested. (well not the part where I leave Celine) but I found my dream job and applied. Coincidentally, it was in Chicago. I sent my resume, not even expecting to hear back. Two hours later, I was asked to interview. I told Celine, half expecting a negative response. But she was so excited. Encouraging, even. I interviewed, was offered the job, and given 24 hours to decide. I started two weeks later.

The Move-In

I ended up moving in with her, temporarily. The first month was great. She told me she was glad we worked through our summer stuff. She said she was in love with me. I felt the same. Pogo was happy. Life felt good. We agreed we would live together until it didn’t suit us.

Then, out of the blue, she said the space was too small and I should start looking for my own place. The back-and-forth of I want you here / I want you gone went on for two months. I was looking for a place and becoming miserable. Then came a hard phone call. I was diagnosed with skin cancer and scheduled for surgery. I had a black eye, 30 stitches, and a swollen face. The doctor told me: be zen, no crying, no stress for a few weeks. Four days later, still swollen, she broke up with me. I could feel the blood rush to my face, my nose throbbed. I told myself, don’t cry, you can’t get the bandage wet. Stay zen. My heart ached.

The Move-Out

Thankfully, I had found an apartment. The move came about three weeks later. She was cold and distant. Those three weeks were spent begging her for normalcy. She replied that she was doing the kind thing, that this was so I wouldn’t be confused about her feelings anymore. And she made certain that I wasn’t confused.

Lana’s words, the ones I had ignored five months before, echoed loud and clear: “It's only going to bring you down.” I walked out the door one last time. Heartbroken. Alone.